Nurture Hope: an infertility story

After I had surgery almost a year ago, I was very hopeful that my husband and my dream of having a family would quickly become a reality. I followed up with our fertility clinic a few weeks into my recovery, and I was given a prescription for fertility medications to help us along that path. Unfortunately, when I went back in for routine monitoring a month later, my doctor found that the endometrioma (a cyst caused by endometriosis) on my left ovary that had been removed along with part of my bowel, had returned and completely taken it over. That means that, despite having just had surgery, my endometriosis was back and doing significant damage to my reproductive organs. At this point, my doctor recommended that we take advantage of the very small and honestly, a little unlikely window of opportunity we have after surgery, and attempt an IVF cycle. 

This was a scary thing for me to hear. I have never been keen on the IVF process, and the low chances, made even lower by my medical status, make the investment of emotions, physical pain/discomfort, and finances all the more of a risk. But we really want a family, and if this was the only way, then so be it. 

When I got the call that our name had come up on the waiting list to start a cycle, it was a few months sooner than I had thought it would be. So of course we jumped on it, and started the long and intensive process of oral hormone medications, injectables, almost daily blood and ultrasound monitoring, scary medical procedures, progesterone suppositories, and emotional turmoil. 

I made a beautiful hour basket to hold all my injection supplies- the process wouldn't be pretty, but gosh darn it, the needles can be kept somewhere pretty!

To help me cope with the emotional side of this process, I decided to make a special quilt to give me comfort at the end of this, regardless of the outcome. I wanted something cozy, with my hopes and dreams and pain sewn right into it, and significance in every stitch. 

So of course, I called my fave Charley Harper into action. His most recently released line was called Nurture, and it features mama animals with their babies. It was meant to be! And the name of the line fit perfectly with my meditation, and eventual theme for the quilt - Nurture Hope. Because above all, hope and faith are the most important things in this long and hard journey. And Hope doesn't necessarily come easily. You have to keep it tucked away in your heart, and feed it happy thoughts (which are sometimes hard to come by when dealing with infertility), and stroke it when it is feeling small and scared. And you have to do this even when The Facts are screaming at you that your hope is unreasonable and unlikely. You have to Nurture Hope. And this quilt helped me do that. 

I decided to make a sampler style quilt, so that each print with their different scales could be properly featured in an individual block of their own. First I spelled out the words Nurture Hope. Sometimes you need a constant reminder of your task before you, to help you stay on track. Having these words up on my design wall for a few months was very helpful indeed. Next, I made the large blocks, using a different print for the centre of each block. I didn't have a plan at all in terms of where the quilt was heading, so lastly, I made small blocks, and the ones with funny shapes to fill in the spaces between blocks in the layout. This was a very fun part, changing and rearranging until the final product was just right. And sometimes, initial thoughts and intentions changed or modified into something better. 

I have many parts of this quilt that have special meaning to me, and here I will share them:

Above all, the message is so important to me.  Nurture Hope.

Infertility is filled with ups and downs.  I try to maintain more ups, but sometimes you fall into a pit of despair.  Especially when your period arrives despite all your hopes otherwise.  Hence the red arrow is the down arrow.  

This little piece of artwork is called Family Owlbum.  That is just so special, and one of my favourites from the collection.

These penguins pretty much sum up living with infertility.  All around you, everyone has their egg, but you are alone in thinking "Where's my egg?"  Everyone has their eyes up and focused on other things, but the mamas without their eggs have their eyes focused squarely on where their eggs should be.  Rarely are your thoughts diverted otherwise.  My heart aches for the penguins without their eggs.  

Sometimes you have a million thoughts in your head during the IVF process.  What if I'm doing the injections wrong?  Is this feeling normal?  Does this pain mean it isn't working?  Will this work?  Of course it will work.  It's impossible that it will work.  What happens to me if it doesn't work?  It's not fair.  Fear, anxiety, glimmers of hope.  You must Be Still.  Have faith.  Nurture Hope.

The feathers represent for me that, as with fabric scraps that you can piece together to make something whole, so it is with life.  Sometimes you don't have the whole image to be able to have the perfect picture of life.  But you can still make a good life with what you have.  

This artwork is called Love from Above.  I truly feel that love is greater than all of us, and God's role in my journey has been integral.  Faith and hope can be hard to come by, but that constant love from above can keep you going when things seem bleak.  

And ultimately, love conquers all.  

For me, this process has been such a metaphor for this journey. You start with the major plot points planned out in your head, and then you have to fill in the middle with unexpected and unplanned aspects, all the while rearranging, adapting, and persevering through, even when you don't know how it's going to turn out in the end, fearing that it will all be a terrible mess, and all the while remembering to Nurture Hope. 

And finally, after all the waiting and all the work, and all the anxiety, you have a happy ending. A beautiful quilt, and a beautiful pregnancy. I am so happy to report that our journey has a happy ending. Against many odds, our hoping and wishing and praying has been for a baby to call our own, and now we have that chance. Oh happy day! 

Recuperation, rejuvenation

Last week, my challenging last couple years came to a peak.  I finally faced one of my biggest fears and was admitted into the hospital for surgery.  It has always been a goal of mine in life to never have surgery, but it's funny how your priorities change when faced with health issues.

I have never had a great stomach.  I have always had problems with attacks of sudden diarrhea. My doctor had decided it was IBS, and that I was young, so not to worry.  I have also been on the birth control pill for years.  When my husband and I got married two years ago, we decided we would stop with the pills and hopefully welcome children into our lives.  That was apparently not in the cards for us.  I have had increasingly severe stomach and menstruation problems along with infertility since a miscarriage shortly after our honeymoon.

Over the course of that year, my problems with diarrhea became a new monster.  I would be struck by attacks at all times of the day and night, and the frequency and severity of them became worse and worse.  It got to the point where I would feel like I have diarrhea, but I would be unable to actually pass anything, sometimes for over an hour.  I couldn't find a food link, it seemed to happen whether I had eaten gluten or dairy, or anything at all.  By the end of the first year, every episode of illness would last a couple hours, would usually result in nausea/vomiting, and the pain was awful.  When I started passing blood clots with my stool, I decided to push the issue with my doctor, as this was something beyond IBS.

In January 2014, I initiated a referral to a GI specialist to perform a colonoscopy.  This was scheduled for the end of March, and when I report to the hospital after the worst bowel prep imaginable (I'm taking medications that force my guts to empty, but my guts refuse to let go), they sedate me to find that they are unable to pass any of the scopes past my sigmoid colon.  That's right, my colon is so narrowed that the scope they would use on little babies is unable to make that turn.  Dang.  Okay, new plan is for a CT scan to image the bowel.  That is apparently a year long wait, but I manage to have some strings pulled, and get myself bumped up to a May appointment.  CT scan shows an otherwise normal bowel, but this area of dense adhesions around the sigmoid.  My GI doctor feels this is still inconclusive and orders an MRI.  Another 20 weeks to wait for that.  Except I end up at emergency with pain and bleeding after a bad bout, and they mark my MRI request as urgent, and I am able to get in within a week.  MRI confirms what the CT shows, adhesions around the sigmoid.

When I see my GI doctor for results, his first suggestions is that we "try to manage this at home with diet and more fibre".  Ha!! At this point, I am having severe episodes that last 4 or more hours regardless of what I eat (which is mostly soup and Boost, a liquid diet), am regularly passing blood with my stools, and am pretty much in constant pain, which is worst when I am actively ill.  I tell him that this will not work for me, fibre aggravates the problem, as anything that adds bulk to stool is a nightmare to pass.  Luckily he suggests we go ahead with a referral to a surgeon.

So now, 9 months after starting the referrals, I check into the hospital after my third (and hopefully last!) bowel prep.  My most recent episode of illness lasted 7 hours.  That is 7 straight hours sitting on the toilet in agony, unable to pass anything, including gas, nauseous, in 10/10 pain, praying to God to strike me dead rather than continue dealing with this.  Ridiculous that it came to this point before something was done.

Surgery went very well.  They found a "big tangled mess" of adhesions, a thickened area of bowel that could barely squeeze anything through, and the surgeons said thank god they did surgery when they did, or I could have ended up with major problems- a ruptured bowel and emergency surgery on a septic abdomen.  Scary.  They cleaned everything up, and removed the problem areas, including 14cm of bowel.  The lab reports came back confirming that this nightmare was caused by endometriosis.  

I can't stress enough to everyone that you know your body best.  When you feel like something is wrong, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and push for further testing or treatment with your doctor.  I am so glad that I had the nerve to step up and say NO, fibre won't cure me, I need something better.  Had I been meek, I very well could have ended up in the ER with a ruptured bowel or worse.  Be aware that birth control pills can mask symptoms of this disease.  I had symptoms before, but never to this extreme, and they got progressively worse from the point that I stopped taking the pill.  Knowledge is power, so don't be afraid to read and ask questions and be your own advocate.  

So now I am focusing on recovery.  I am resting up and easing into eating again.  Over this whole ordeal, I have lost 50 lbs.  I am so much weaker, I can't lift or wrestle big dogs at work anymore, and I get so tired doing any kind of exercise.  I am looking forward to getting onto a better foot health wise, building my strength and endurance, and increasing my fitness.  

I am also looking forward to getting some serious reading and crafting done!  I have a stack of books on the ready, a mix of favourites to reread, a book club selection, and some new titles.  I already polished off His Dark Materials during my hospital stay- if you haven't read this series, I highly recommend it!  I brought some knitting with me to the hospital too, but didn't get much done.  Apparently it is really hard to focus with morphine in your system.  

My to-read pile

I am working on a knitted blanket for my husband that is inspired by the Game of Thrones' Stark family (he is a huge Stark fan). Gotta keep him warm, as winter is coming!  I am using illusion knitting to make two separate panels of the wolves, and then a centre panel with a forest of cabled trees and the illusion knitting "Winter is coming".  I will attach the three main panels with some chunky cables, and put a border around the whole thing.  Tassels are a maybe at this point.  The whole thing will be in grey and white, to play homage to the Stark colours.  I think Pete is more excited than I am about this project!  

My design sketch for the Stark blanket

For quilting, I am currently reworking a quilt for one of my husband's cousins.  When her mother passed away, she had some of her clothing made into a quilt, but never really loved the final product.  She asked me to take it apart and come up with a more modern design.  I hand-ripped all the seams to take apart the quilt, and separated the whole thing (thank goodness there wasn't extensive quilting over this one!).  Since there were lots of dark colours, blacks and blues, I thought it would be nice to make a scene of a full moon shining over the ocean.  I made a little mock-up in Excel, and got her approval, so I started laying out the fabrics this week.  I am excited for this project, I have some nice little touches in mind to make this a special quilt that she can treasure forever.  

Annyong admiring the before quilt

Demolished quilt

Moon over the ocean layout

I am thankful that my friends, family, and work family have all been so supportive of me throughout this journey, and I hope that moving forward I can live a more balanced, healthy life.  I am ready to put this past behind me now, and move onto bigger and better things.  Here's hoping for a healthy, fit, fertile future.  And, of course, lots of crafting!

My kitchen is a garden!