Nurture Hope: an infertility story

After I had surgery almost a year ago, I was very hopeful that my husband and my dream of having a family would quickly become a reality. I followed up with our fertility clinic a few weeks into my recovery, and I was given a prescription for fertility medications to help us along that path. Unfortunately, when I went back in for routine monitoring a month later, my doctor found that the endometrioma (a cyst caused by endometriosis) on my left ovary that had been removed along with part of my bowel, had returned and completely taken it over. That means that, despite having just had surgery, my endometriosis was back and doing significant damage to my reproductive organs. At this point, my doctor recommended that we take advantage of the very small and honestly, a little unlikely window of opportunity we have after surgery, and attempt an IVF cycle. 

This was a scary thing for me to hear. I have never been keen on the IVF process, and the low chances, made even lower by my medical status, make the investment of emotions, physical pain/discomfort, and finances all the more of a risk. But we really want a family, and if this was the only way, then so be it. 

When I got the call that our name had come up on the waiting list to start a cycle, it was a few months sooner than I had thought it would be. So of course we jumped on it, and started the long and intensive process of oral hormone medications, injectables, almost daily blood and ultrasound monitoring, scary medical procedures, progesterone suppositories, and emotional turmoil. 

I made a beautiful hour basket to hold all my injection supplies- the process wouldn't be pretty, but gosh darn it, the needles can be kept somewhere pretty!

To help me cope with the emotional side of this process, I decided to make a special quilt to give me comfort at the end of this, regardless of the outcome. I wanted something cozy, with my hopes and dreams and pain sewn right into it, and significance in every stitch. 

So of course, I called my fave Charley Harper into action. His most recently released line was called Nurture, and it features mama animals with their babies. It was meant to be! And the name of the line fit perfectly with my meditation, and eventual theme for the quilt - Nurture Hope. Because above all, hope and faith are the most important things in this long and hard journey. And Hope doesn't necessarily come easily. You have to keep it tucked away in your heart, and feed it happy thoughts (which are sometimes hard to come by when dealing with infertility), and stroke it when it is feeling small and scared. And you have to do this even when The Facts are screaming at you that your hope is unreasonable and unlikely. You have to Nurture Hope. And this quilt helped me do that. 

I decided to make a sampler style quilt, so that each print with their different scales could be properly featured in an individual block of their own. First I spelled out the words Nurture Hope. Sometimes you need a constant reminder of your task before you, to help you stay on track. Having these words up on my design wall for a few months was very helpful indeed. Next, I made the large blocks, using a different print for the centre of each block. I didn't have a plan at all in terms of where the quilt was heading, so lastly, I made small blocks, and the ones with funny shapes to fill in the spaces between blocks in the layout. This was a very fun part, changing and rearranging until the final product was just right. And sometimes, initial thoughts and intentions changed or modified into something better. 

I have many parts of this quilt that have special meaning to me, and here I will share them:

Above all, the message is so important to me.  Nurture Hope.

Infertility is filled with ups and downs.  I try to maintain more ups, but sometimes you fall into a pit of despair.  Especially when your period arrives despite all your hopes otherwise.  Hence the red arrow is the down arrow.  

This little piece of artwork is called Family Owlbum.  That is just so special, and one of my favourites from the collection.

These penguins pretty much sum up living with infertility.  All around you, everyone has their egg, but you are alone in thinking "Where's my egg?"  Everyone has their eyes up and focused on other things, but the mamas without their eggs have their eyes focused squarely on where their eggs should be.  Rarely are your thoughts diverted otherwise.  My heart aches for the penguins without their eggs.  

Sometimes you have a million thoughts in your head during the IVF process.  What if I'm doing the injections wrong?  Is this feeling normal?  Does this pain mean it isn't working?  Will this work?  Of course it will work.  It's impossible that it will work.  What happens to me if it doesn't work?  It's not fair.  Fear, anxiety, glimmers of hope.  You must Be Still.  Have faith.  Nurture Hope.

The feathers represent for me that, as with fabric scraps that you can piece together to make something whole, so it is with life.  Sometimes you don't have the whole image to be able to have the perfect picture of life.  But you can still make a good life with what you have.  

This artwork is called Love from Above.  I truly feel that love is greater than all of us, and God's role in my journey has been integral.  Faith and hope can be hard to come by, but that constant love from above can keep you going when things seem bleak.  

And ultimately, love conquers all.  

For me, this process has been such a metaphor for this journey. You start with the major plot points planned out in your head, and then you have to fill in the middle with unexpected and unplanned aspects, all the while rearranging, adapting, and persevering through, even when you don't know how it's going to turn out in the end, fearing that it will all be a terrible mess, and all the while remembering to Nurture Hope. 

And finally, after all the waiting and all the work, and all the anxiety, you have a happy ending. A beautiful quilt, and a beautiful pregnancy. I am so happy to report that our journey has a happy ending. Against many odds, our hoping and wishing and praying has been for a baby to call our own, and now we have that chance. Oh happy day! 

Feelin good on a Wednesday: Charley Harper love!

I recently signed up for a Charley Harper themed Instagram swap hosted by Sewn Studio. This has given me lots of opportunities to engage with Charley Harper's art, and hone in on what I love about his work.

A few of my favourite pieces

I put together a few inspiration boards for my partner. 

Happiness is the longing for repetition. - Milan Kundera

Obviously, I love that his work is all about animals and nature. I adore biology, and the world around me. I also love that he has really embraced the beauty in repetition. And that use of repetition highlights the beauty in the anomaly. In nature, no two animals are identical, but within a species they are certainly similar. Charley Harper makes us see what we already know, and shows us the beauty at the heart of it. 

I love Charley Harper's self described minimal realism style. His geometric shapes and bold colours lend themselves well to recreating his art in quilt form. 

Some amazing projects!

And that his art has been shared with the world as fabric is a true gift to us all! (At least, those of us who sew!) In my reading about Charley Harper, I found this quote of his about painting.  I think it is true about all crafts, and is certainly true for quilting.  

I will share what I have put together for my partner soon. It has been a joy interacting with Charley Harper's work, and this swap has just reinforced for me that his art is something I will never tire of. To learn more about Charley Harper and his art, head over to The Charley Harper Art Studio, or visit my Pinterest page to see more of my favourites.

2014: final inventory

Every year I like to set some intentions for myself in the coming year. Sometimes it is a goal to achieve, a mantra to remember, or an overall feeling to embrace. I hesitate to call them resolutions, because those are for breaking. Also, I don't necessarily want to go about it in the "set S.M.A.R.T. goals" mentality. I just want to have a mindset of improvement, exploration, and fun.

At the end of the year, I like to take inventory of how those intentions worked in my life, and where I stand with them. This helps me to decide what areas to work on for the upcoming year. 

Read more

Inspired by my cousin in 2013, I had set a goal to read 24 books that year. I met that goal, but finished my last book right at the deadline. For 2014, I wanted to match or exceed that goal. I read 33 books, including audiobooks, which I listen to while sewing, knitting, and doing chores. In 2015, I would like to exceed that number, but I can see it being difficult.  I did have a good three months off this year to get some aggressive reading done!  As long as I read 24 or more, I will not be disappointed.  

Do less (so I can do more)

I found that I was often taking on more than I could handle, and I ended up feeling too busy and overwhelmed, which resulted in no time to do the things that matter most to me. In 2014, I wanted to free myself from the hustle and bustle of a busy life. I wanted to restrict how much I volunteer to take on extra tasks, allow myself to say no to attending events I am not truly interested in, and stop feeling obliged or guilty to make plans. I also cut back my work schedule from 5 days a week to 4 days. 

This change has been enormous for me. So often, I would feel frantic and overwhelmed trying to fit everything in, and now I feel that much less. I was unhappy having a messy house, eating more convenience foods, and not having much time for true leisure. That extra day off a week has helped so much, my house is tidy and therefore more peaceful and comfortable to me. My husband and I eat better because I take the time to plan and shop for healthy meals. I have more time to enjoy creating and reading and loving. And giving myself permission to stop feeling guilty about saying no has been the most freeing thing. Also, freeing my mind from the "I should be"s has been liberating; no longer do I worry that I "should" be making wild plans for my weekends, because other people I know, or people in the movies do. I am happiest at home with a quiet project to work on, or a book to read and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that (or with me).  In 2015, I plan to continue with my Less is More mentality.  It is really working well for me.

Practice patience

This is an area that I definitely needed (and honestly, still need) improvement. I try to remind myself to practice patience during those times when I am annoyed standing in a line, or stuck in traffic, or dealing with a difficult person, or feeling hangry if I haven't eaten. I have to remember that the world doesn't revolve around me, everyone has their own shit going on, and that my mood is my choice. 

Relax

Again, with the glorifying of busy comes the guilt of relaxing. So this goes hand-in-hand with Doing Less. I gave myself permission to freely enjoy some sewing, knitting, reading, or just sitting and doing nothing. Even if there is something else I could be doing. Because rest is just as important as work. 

Mortgage Free by 33

This is a bit of a mantra in our house. I acknowledge that it is extremely likely that it won't happen, but I like the rhyme. Basically, we want to pay off our mortgage early, so we make extra principle-only payments on our mortgage.  This past year was a little tough, as we had a reduced income while I was on medical leave, but we still managed to pay $1975 extra. 

Live life today (don't wait for kids, your life isn't on hold)

This is a major problem for me. We have been dealing with infertility for almost three years now. It sucks. It's painful. And it has our life in a bit of a stall. I have a hard time committing to long term plans, because I am always so hopeful to be pregnant, or have a new baby. I have passed up opportunities because of a potential pregnancy that never happens. I made some progress in this realm this past year. We did manage to take a trip to Disneyland and Hawaii that otherwise I probably would have kept putting off. And it's a silly thing, but some of the fabric that I have been hoarding for when I "one day" have kids, I have cut into. So needless to say, I still need to work on this area in 2015. 

Take control of health and body
This was a major area of improvement for me this past year.  Taking initiative and fighting for proper medical attention and care was a hard battle, but so worth it in the end.  Having surgery was scary, and not exactly on my goal list, but the results have been amazing so far.

All in all, I think 2014 was a hard year, but one with lots of personal and spiritual growth.  I look forward to 2015 and all that it has to offer!  

I'm not a genius (and I'm not the only one)

I love a creative outlet. I love to create something, step back and gaze lovingly at it and think "I made that!" Something I struggle with though, is that I feel like I'm not very 'creative'. I love to create, but I have a hard time coming up with original ideas from the primordial ooze that is my very own brain. I am excellent at following a pattern or recipe or online tutorial (I can read and follow directions well). I'm even pretty good at tweeking a pattern or recipe or online tutorial to make it a little more my own. But when it comes to being 'original', that's where I struggle.

I can argue that creativity is learned. There have been studies done with children where they give them blocks to play with, with the instructions to make patterns or designs with them. One group of children is rewarded for making designs that are all similar and along one design esthetic. Those children continue to put out designs that are all similar. The other group is rewarded for making new designs that hadn't been seen before, and are given no reward for repetition. Those children produce more and more creative designs. 

I can also argue that creativity (or lack thereof) is related to fear. Fear of failure holds you back from trying something new, and so you stick with the easy out, the tried and true, the thing you know you will succeed with. When one can get over that fear and just try, more creative ideas and products may stem from the attempts. I'm gonna say that creativity is 99% failure, and 1% sheer and wild success. And while the failures are disappointing, the successes are so rewarding it makes it all worth it. 

So why am I postulating about creativity? I was reading some blogs last night, and I came across an older entry from Rossie Hutchison about quilting and bloggers (read the post here). She argues that more bloggers should move away from the 'here's what I just finished and a brief synopsis of how I did it' model of blogging, and move to a more dynamic story of our works in progress and how they come to be. In her post, she quotes Phillipe Starck on creativity: "Nobody is obliged to be a genius, but everybody is obliged to participate." Also, that we are steps in the evolutionary chain, and that we are different from what came before, and will be different from what comes after. We are mutants, but not the final mutant. This really resonated with me. To me, this really frees me up from my mind, because no one is saying I have to be the be-all and end-all of creative design, that if I'm not making something new, I'm nothing. I can just be a step in the evolutionary chain. 

I'm sometimes embarrassed of my projects, because, while I made them, I didn't necessarily 'create' them. But I shouldn't feel that way!! Creativity flows best when it isn't bogged down by fear, and when it is rewarded. I'm releasing myself from the pressure to perform, and allowing myself to just be: be creative, be a copycat, be whatever I need to be in that moment. And if I learned something new from a pattern or tutorial, or added a detail to make it more my own, that is a step towards 'true' creativity. In other words, I'm regarding myself as a creativity beginner, not an expert. I will have 99 failures before I have a huge success. And that is okay. 

Sometimes you copy something

Sometimes you fail

Sometimes you feel pretty darn good about what you made